Saturday, October 8, 2011

Pinkberry Opening Day and a Series of Unfortunate Events

Thursday October 6, 2011 was the day of all days. After months of anticipation, Pinkberry had it's grand opening. Naturally, upon discovering this gem of knowledge, we made plans to get there immediately. Luckily, we only work one town over from each other so coordinating this was only slightly toilsome. Mandy got out of work at 2, so Lauren just took a late lunch. Lauren works closer to Pinkberry, and therefore got there first. The line was out the door, so we started texting to coordinate the best plan of action.

Mandy: I'm about to leave work now, but the fricking UPS guy just got here and I'm trapped in the parking lot! And he's taking his sweet ass time too!

Lauren: NO!! Tell me when you're almost here, and I'll get in line.

Mandy: I'm pulling out!
Umm, that came out wrong.

Lauren: Hahshahaha!
I just got a free sample

Mandy: Omg! You're experiencing it before me!!

Lauren: Sorry. This is what happens when the UPS guy screws you.
Umm, that also came out wrong.

Lauren got a place in line, and helpfully texted Mandy to let her know where to find her.

Lauren: I'm at the door, next to the giant purple lady.

Once Mandy had located Lauren behind said landmark, we talked about rabies and the size of the human bladder, the usual stuff. 

If you don't know what Pinkberry is, please go to their website so you aren't lost (linked several times here). 

Mandy has a slight anxiety about ordering from new places. Since Pinkberry is a celebrity hot spot in Hollywood, and Lauren is an expert in celebrity happenings, she could assure Mandy that it was a serve yourself kind of place so there shouldn't be anything to worry about. Well, Lauren was wrong. It was not self serve at all.

Lauren: Well I guess this one isn't self serve.

Mandy: See! There is a reason to be nervous!

Lauren: Well, all the ones I've seen have been self serve.

Mandy: And by that do you mean all the one's you've seen in tabloids?

Lauren: Of course, where else would I have seen a Pinkberry?

Mandy: I hope we get in the tabloids with our Pinkberry today!

We got to the front of the line, and were assaulted by dozens of toppings . Mandy went through 17 different possible combinations of frozen yogurt and toppings in 2 minutes time. She tried to make lists and power point presentations to help decide, but was still overwhelmed with the choices. Lauren decided to wing it when she got up there. 

Lauren went first to give Mandy maximum decision making time. Mandy went up confident with the final creation made in her mind, just to be told within seconds that her main topping (bananas) were not readily available. The idea of having to wait for them to cut another banana with a giant purple lady breathing down her neck was unbearable. Frenzied, she was forced to change her whole game plan. This is what we ended up with:

Lauren: Half Chocolate and Half Watermelon frozen yogurt with Strawberries, Chocolate shavings, and Cap'n Crunch (for added whimsy).

Mandy: Half Chocolate and Half Coconut frozen yogurt with Kiwi, Raspberries, Chocolate shavings, and Oreo cookie pieces.

We made our way out of the shop, and found a bench to sit and eat our frozen treats. Lauren explained the debacle that occurred at the cash register as she had been paying at Pinkberry. Mandy had noticed some sort of complication, but was too sweaty from the topping mishap to absorb what was happening. Apparently, the girl just didn't have enough dollar bills to give Lauren for her change, and had to give her 1 dollar in quarters. It's really not that big of a deal, but the girl had acted as though she had just slaughtered Lauren's family, burned her house to the ground, and slashed her tires for good measure. We later realized that the girl DID forget to give Lauren a Pinkberry rewards card that would allow her to get a free small frozen yogurt after buying 10. Obviously, this was a much greater offense.

Things got weird shortly after we sat down in front of "A Proper Smoke" (looking back on this, we could've chosen a better store to chat in front of. We have many vices, but smoking is not one of them). Out of nowhere, a man dressed in various shades of cheetah prints aimed a camera at us and pretended (we hope he was pretending) to take pictures of us. He spoke in an island dialect that was hard to understand, but we caught the following few words; "Nobody told me there would be models ready for me...oh yes...I come from Victoria Secret...beautiful...haha...." We said nothing, because the shock rendered us silent. Mandy was in full slob mode having just come from work in her scrubs with no make up, and likely smelling of cats. Lauren was at least dressed in her hobo chic best, but neither of us were Victoria Secret material by any standard. Guess you have to be careful what you wish for when you say you hope to be in the tabloids with your Pinkberry.

We had just recovered from the previous incident, when what do our wondering eyes does appear? The UPS guy who held Mandy hostage at work when she was trying to get to Pinkberry in the first place! Before she could attack, an altercation broke out across the street between an old man wearing a track suit and a muscular trainer with dreadlocks. It was at that moment that we decided to never enter the shopping center ever again before 5pm. It's a bad scene in the day time. 

Overall, it was still a good day. We were able to enjoy the excitement of opening day to our state's second Pinkberry location. We both liked it a lot, and will be revisiting many times to consume endless combinations of frozen yogurt and toppings. The shop is full of bright, fun colors and energetic staff. They encourage you to try a sample of any of their six flavors of frozen yogurt (Original, Watermelon, Chocolate, Pomegranate, Mango, or Coconut were there that day), and you can have as many toppings as can physically fit in your cup! Doesn't get much better than that in the way of frozen deliciousness! Do yourself a favor, and get to a Pinkberry near you soon!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Rap Wars, Illuminati, and The Prince


We have some pretty interesting conversations. Below is the text conversation that inspired us to start this blog. Since we are both snarky bitches, we can't let an autocorrect or a typo ever slip passed us without mocking it. In this particular conversation, Lauren fell victim to autocorrect. The resulting conversation was both intellectual and utterly insane.


Mandy: What kind of cupcakes did you get?

Lauren: Key Lime and Old Fashioned

Mandy: Yummmmmmm my fave old fashioned

Lauren:  Haha yes. I wanted to try a caramel Machiavelli but she said there was a caramel sniper in it so I didn't get it. I may be OK with caramel inside but I need to think about it

Mandy: I'd expect nothing less than a sniper from a caramel Machiavelli

Lauren: Wasn't Machiavelli a philosopher? I think he'd be more apt to wonder if a cupcake has a sniper if it's even a cupcake at all.

Mandy:  I thought Machiavelli was some kind of preacher of violence. I should note that everything I know about Machiavelli is from Tupac.

Lauren:  Hmmmmm now I need to google him. I was more east side in the rapper wars so I didn't listen to much Tupac.

Mandy:  Oh no... now I'm obligated to pop a cap in you mama to repraZENT!

Lauren:  I'll retaliate.
OK I'm trying to slim Machiavelli wikipedia and he apparently did many things.
It's hard to follow
When I'm not actually reading

Mandy:  I just wikipedia'd tupacs infatuation with Machiavelli. Apparently, he made the alias Makavelli after he read his entire works while in prison. Machiavelli taught that one should be able to conquer their enemies by any means necessary.

Lauren:  Which is a philosophy. So we're both right. You just have more street cred with your answer.

Mandy: Yes he was def a philohopher when you get down to it.

Lauren:  Btw I did get tea. But only a cup. I got the mocha mate oolong you refinanced yesterday

Mandy: Refinancing on my mocha mate oolong saved me thousands.

Lauren: I bet. It is a fancy tea.

Mandy: Did you like it?

Lauren: Yeah it's good. I'd get it again. Not my favorite though.

Mandy: Not my face either.
I really like the sweet citron from them and co but spring.

Lauren:  No, the mocha mate oolong is not your face

Mandy:  Cocnut*
Coconut

Lauren: I don't like coconuts.

Mandy: Now I have Hail Mary in my head because Tupac says Machiavelli in it like 20 times
What about co buts or cocnuts.

Lauren:  Cobnuts I like
Or cobnuts
cocnuts
co buts not so much

Mandy: I'd like to try cobnuts. You seem really excited about them.
..Makavelli in this, killuminati, all through ya body, blows like a 12 gauge shoddy..

Lauren: I am.
The illuminati freaks me out b

Mandy:  I learned all about hoodlums from Tupac too. He taught me how to see the signs.

Lauren:  Tupac would know how to spot a hoodlum. You'll have to teach me. I have so much to learn since in my uneducated youth I clearly picked the wrong side of the rapper wars


Mandy:  And this is really freaky because a 2pac song just came on my pandora
Its not that uncommon. He does show up from time to time and I still know all the words
It's just eeeeeeery

Lauren:  Were you listening to your hoodlums station?

Mandy: Yes, my classic hip hop station. But it's on quick mix so it came to me
Why does the illuminati freak you out?

Lauren:  Tupac is thanking you for trying to convert me
Bc it's kinda creepy. Not like the enlightenment illuminati. The modern illuminati.

Mandy: Oh I just looked it up to see what it was. Yes, saying that a secret society controls all of the world's major events is scary.
Another reason you should follow Tupac. He wanted to kill the illuminati, hence killuninati.
They kind of sound like the Capitol in hunger games. It seems like that's their ultimate goal.

Lauren: Yeah Beyonce and jay-Z are apparently in the illuminati
Yes! It's soooo creepy. I mean it's conspiracy theory stuff but still creepy.

Mandy: I've never trusted them anyway. Makes sense because jay z is besties with p.Diddy who was mortal enemies with Tupac

Lauren: Jay z and p.ditty are bestows?
P.ditty is awesome

Mandy: He is awesome and also a bestow.

Lauren: I must say, this is probably the best text conversation I've ever had.

Mandy: They used to be at least. Unless they had a falling out.
Yes, 2 white girls from ct discussing the rap wars of the 90's while tying in themes on conspiracy theory and ancient philosophy. All sprinkled with the humor of autocorrect.

Lauren:  Yeah I could see them being besties.
Seriously. This should be documented.

Mandy: I think we should teach a class at the school of hardknocks

Lauren:  Wasn't that a Jay-Z song? He'll get all illuminati on our ass

Mandy: Yea, jay z is all about the school of hardknocks. We should probably lay low for a while.

Lauren:  Definitely. He probably knows we are having this conversation right now.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Welcome!


Welcome to Tea Leif. A new blog that is completely satirical and nonsensical.

We are Mandy and Lauren, and we decided that our conversations should be documented for further study when "science" needs something else to do. I'm sure "science" gets bored occasionally. So we have started this blog basically for our own amusement, but we hope other people will read it too.

Since Mandy majored in biology, we know that we have no hope of being studied without giving science a reason to do so. We decided to help potential researchers out by providing them with an objective. The purpose of this blog is to give the outside world a look at what goes on inside the heads of 2 socially awkward, possibly mentally challenged, wildly judgmental, 20-something girls. Why would anyone care, you ask? Well, we hope that our contributions may lead to the discovery of awesomeness being made into pill form. We then hope this discovery leads to the pill being made into a gummy vitamin, because lets face it, you don't get more awesome than adult gummy vitamins.

If you've stumbled upon this blog, we realize it's probably because we asked you to come support us. If that's you, thanks for being our friend. You shall be safe from our acerbic wit this day. But just this day. If you happen to be our friend, you know that you won't stay safe for long. If you're a stranger, welcome to you as well! Please be advised that sometimes we may say things that make no sense. Just know it's not you, it's us. And that's not a line, we fully expect you to be confused at least part of the time. Even we are confused part of the time. We may also say things you don't think are funny. In those instances, it's you. We are hilarious.

We hope you come back to read us again sometime! This blog will not follow any kind of routine in terms of posting. Absolutely nothing in our lives is orderly, so you can't expect this to be. We'll post spontaneously, because that's what we do. So thanks for giving us a chance, and trust us when we tell you that we'd be doing this universe a huge disservice if we didn't publish our crazy antics.

Until next time!